I have been planning this post in my head for the last 2 weeks.
In desperation I have cried out to God, journaled, and begged myself to change. All to no avail. I have allowed my failure to define who I am - a failure at everything, unable to complete anything to my standard of completion.
This is going to change in 2017.
I can do hard things.
I will do hard things.
I have done hard things and have done them well.
I am not a failure.
I am willing myself to stop eating. I have a plan - not starvation, but not much. I will not give in. I will not. I'm going to document comments that have been said to me, a fat person, in the past and will document comments that are said to me as I begin to lose weight.
Our society is so messed up and somehow the definition of beauty has become a waif of a body. People don't want to see curves, fat, or anything that resembles that. They want us to be "healthy" but I know, as do the others, that's simply a coward's way of saying they don't like you fat.
As I document all of the positive comments from losing weight, I will be shining a light on just how much our society values something that is so completely non-eternal. It has no eternal value or purpose yet it is what seems to matter most to people.
I'm hoping though that through this social experiment and journey I will, somehow, along the way, find myself.
Though I don't want to stay at this weight - because I am miserable, unhappy, ashamed, uncomfortable, and humiliated by the constant comments, I do (very much so) wish I could just be loved for who I am, where I am, because I am worthy of love. I know I am worthy. I truly do know that, but the comments and battery of nagging remarks made by others tells me they don't think I'm worthy. People will say, "Oh, we don't think that." or "Of course we think you're worthy." etc because we've been taught that's what one should do when confronted with confrontation. We should lie to their faces and tell then what we think they want to hear, but truth tells me otherwise.
So, comments I have heard:
* While shopping for my family of 8 and hosting guests for the holidays:
Stranger - older man: "Wow, that's a lot of stuff."
Me: "Yes, it is."
Him: "You need to learn how to cut back. You need to learn how to have just 1 or 2 cookies at Thanksgiving."
* "Wow, I can really see you have less cellulite now."
* While someone was holding one of my infant children:
"I'm sorry I can't make you stop crying. I'm not as squishy as your mom."
* While talking to someone about infertility injections:
Me: "You give yourself the progesterone shot into the fatty portion of your hip.
Them: "You mean, like this kind of fat?" pointing to my flabby arms.
* When I had lost weight and was down to 132 lbs:
"You probably could still lose another 10 lbs to be at an ideal weight."
* "You have really thick legs."
* "You're built just like my daughter. Wide butt and thick legs."
* "You're about as wide across the butt as ______."
* "I can see your double chin."
* "I don't know if you'll fit on that swing."
* "When are you going to start working out?"
* When I had lost some weight:
"Wow, I didn't even recognize you from across the building. Your face was so pointy."
These are just a few I can think of off the top of my head right now.
THESE ARE NOT KIND COMMENTS. THESE SHOULD NEVER - EVER!!!! - BE SAID TO SOMEONE. I'm not overly sensitive. These are rude. I was taught much better manners than this and these are NOT kind.
But, as surely as I begin to lose weight, the comments will begin to flow in my direction. That's also not good. Why do we praise people for how they look. Yes, I know, losing weight is hard and should be praised, but praise the hard work... not the results. Tell them, "You've put in a lot of hard work. I'm proud of you." or "I'm so proud of your character. I love you because you are strong, brave, and a hard worker."
NOT, "Wow, I can see you've lost some weight. You look really good." or "Have you lost some weight? I can tell."
Not kind. Not helpful. Not uplifting - at all. Those kinds of comments send negative messages - "I wasn't good enough before."
Let me say, I'm only a size 14 too. That's not small.... but it's not huge either. These are the comments I face at a 14 and there are individuals in much more dire positions. They need our love no matter what. They need to know they are cherished just they way they are. They do not need to earn love. They are loved because of who they are, who God created them to be.
And that's good enough.
It's a retraining of ourselves to tune out the negative comments and people and focus on what we know, or what we need to learn:
WE ARE WORTHY.
YOU ARE WORTHY.
In desperation I have cried out to God, journaled, and begged myself to change. All to no avail. I have allowed my failure to define who I am - a failure at everything, unable to complete anything to my standard of completion.
This is going to change in 2017.
I can do hard things.
I will do hard things.
I have done hard things and have done them well.
I am not a failure.
I am willing myself to stop eating. I have a plan - not starvation, but not much. I will not give in. I will not. I'm going to document comments that have been said to me, a fat person, in the past and will document comments that are said to me as I begin to lose weight.
Our society is so messed up and somehow the definition of beauty has become a waif of a body. People don't want to see curves, fat, or anything that resembles that. They want us to be "healthy" but I know, as do the others, that's simply a coward's way of saying they don't like you fat.
As I document all of the positive comments from losing weight, I will be shining a light on just how much our society values something that is so completely non-eternal. It has no eternal value or purpose yet it is what seems to matter most to people.
I'm hoping though that through this social experiment and journey I will, somehow, along the way, find myself.
Though I don't want to stay at this weight - because I am miserable, unhappy, ashamed, uncomfortable, and humiliated by the constant comments, I do (very much so) wish I could just be loved for who I am, where I am, because I am worthy of love. I know I am worthy. I truly do know that, but the comments and battery of nagging remarks made by others tells me they don't think I'm worthy. People will say, "Oh, we don't think that." or "Of course we think you're worthy." etc because we've been taught that's what one should do when confronted with confrontation. We should lie to their faces and tell then what we think they want to hear, but truth tells me otherwise.
So, comments I have heard:
* While shopping for my family of 8 and hosting guests for the holidays:
Stranger - older man: "Wow, that's a lot of stuff."
Me: "Yes, it is."
Him: "You need to learn how to cut back. You need to learn how to have just 1 or 2 cookies at Thanksgiving."
* "Wow, I can really see you have less cellulite now."
* While someone was holding one of my infant children:
"I'm sorry I can't make you stop crying. I'm not as squishy as your mom."
* While talking to someone about infertility injections:
Me: "You give yourself the progesterone shot into the fatty portion of your hip.
Them: "You mean, like this kind of fat?" pointing to my flabby arms.
* When I had lost weight and was down to 132 lbs:
"You probably could still lose another 10 lbs to be at an ideal weight."
* "You have really thick legs."
* "You're built just like my daughter. Wide butt and thick legs."
* "You're about as wide across the butt as ______."
* "I can see your double chin."
* "I don't know if you'll fit on that swing."
* "When are you going to start working out?"
* When I had lost some weight:
"Wow, I didn't even recognize you from across the building. Your face was so pointy."
These are just a few I can think of off the top of my head right now.
THESE ARE NOT KIND COMMENTS. THESE SHOULD NEVER - EVER!!!! - BE SAID TO SOMEONE. I'm not overly sensitive. These are rude. I was taught much better manners than this and these are NOT kind.
But, as surely as I begin to lose weight, the comments will begin to flow in my direction. That's also not good. Why do we praise people for how they look. Yes, I know, losing weight is hard and should be praised, but praise the hard work... not the results. Tell them, "You've put in a lot of hard work. I'm proud of you." or "I'm so proud of your character. I love you because you are strong, brave, and a hard worker."
NOT, "Wow, I can see you've lost some weight. You look really good." or "Have you lost some weight? I can tell."
Not kind. Not helpful. Not uplifting - at all. Those kinds of comments send negative messages - "I wasn't good enough before."
Let me say, I'm only a size 14 too. That's not small.... but it's not huge either. These are the comments I face at a 14 and there are individuals in much more dire positions. They need our love no matter what. They need to know they are cherished just they way they are. They do not need to earn love. They are loved because of who they are, who God created them to be.
And that's good enough.
It's a retraining of ourselves to tune out the negative comments and people and focus on what we know, or what we need to learn:
WE ARE WORTHY.
YOU ARE WORTHY.
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